I’ve got a bunch of things to write out, but this was intended for this weekend, so here we go.
I was pondering over the whole thing one day, trying to think of the smartest thing that we ever did in our grieving. The best answer I could come up with was this: We never quit. We didn’t give up Doria’s memory, and we didn’t quit living. We hurt, paid the price, and kept living at whatever pace we could.
The reason that seems big this weekend: One year ago this weekend, we both gave up. Looking at our 38 year old couch, we knew that it was shot. We knew that it needed replaced. We knew that we could do it pretty cheaply with cash, on one condition: it needed cash sitting there for Doria.
Since Doria had been gone a little over four months, we decided that it was fair to use the money for us. In one sense, we gave up on saving it for her, since Doria wouldn’t need it. We took the money and went shopping. We landed at the perfect couch for us, and our talk with the saleslady brought up that all of us had been down this road before. I think it came up since we were making sure that the tables would be babyproof (like that ever happens). We all had our awkward cry moment, and took care of the couch business.
Once Becky and I got home, we talked about a bunch of things. Neither of us could sleep, but the one topic that really resonated was that we weren’t expecting yet, and it really wasn’t possible to try any harder. That night, we resolved to give up trying for the rainbow baby and to just wait for when it happened, and hope that God made that happen soon.
That and some other conversations went way late into the night. Becky went to sleep around 1, and I was still up at 4, which told me that there was no way I would make church in the morning. Becky did, so I woke up at 11:15 refreshed and wide awake. Two minutes later, the door opened, Becky bounded through the house, and jumped into our room saying “Guess what? I threw up this morning!”
A few minutes later, we were at the store shopping, but not for furniture. An afternoon of pushing to drink more water (I don’t like waiting) , and we finally saw our result. The rainbow journey was on!
That was a good and peaceful moment. I tend to believe that it was much more peaceful once we gave up, One year later, Zoe just did Christmas for the first time, and she’s rolling right along. For this one time, we gave up, and we won!