This past week had all of the 6 month milestones chucked into it. It was a nice slow reminder (when things came to mind) of how fast that whole week after Doria’s death really crashed together. A week ago tonight, we found out that Doria was dead. A week ago tomorrow, we spent our only day with her. Racing along, yesterday was six months from her funeral. I’ll post the song that I’ve played a billion times in Doria’s honor in another post right after this one.
As weeks went, it was one. I found that there are still times where that inability to focus and read comes back hard. That’s pretty troubling as a grad student in history, since what I do is read. As a result, I did something several times that I don’t really like to do. I talked to people and asked for help. In this case, we ended up putting together a strategy that might work for helping out. It’s only a few days, so the jury is still out, but it sounds good on paper. I hope it works as well in action. The next week or two will tell the tale on that one.
Tuesday night, I failed at sleeping except for 2-3 hours. Wednesday turned out to be an insanely productive day for about 12 hours. After that, it was over, and so was the week, really. Nothing much really got done. I made some good attempts. Sometimes, I made a little progress, but nothing that’s really going to add up to much. As I thought about that, I noticed a key problem. Unfortunately, it took me until late Thursday night to figure it out.
In the middle of those milestones, I was trying to hard to plow on through. Plain and simple, that just doesn’t work out. I spent so much effort trying to plug ahead, I ignored the really important thing. I didn’t spend real Doritime. So on Friday, after two good meetings with my students and my normal celebration lunch, I sat down and spent some real time looking at her pictures again. It had been longer than I thought. Without really acknowledging it, that had been hanging over my head all week. Once I devoted that time to Doria, the paper I absolutely failed at the night before began to stumble together. I don’t have a great professional description for it, but my mind was freed up to do some moving ahead once that weight was lifted up a little.
So, it was a week really centered around uncomfortable things. All kinds of troubling milestones hanging overhead. I actually had to ask for help, which almost seems sadder months later. I had to spend time with reality and remember my dead little girl.
I’ve still got a lot of questions about it and some concerns about where things go from here, but that was a good time. If nothing else, I learned a couple things this week. Someday, I’ll learn how to balance them all.