Remembering Doria

One Father's Journey after the Death of his Daughter

Where did the time go, and how does it take so long?

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A couple things spurred a reflection this weekend. As part of the process of getting ready and accepting that #2 is actually on the way, we were baby shopping yesterday. Since we have about everything we’ll need, it’s a nice way to shop. We’re not under any sort of time crunch, and #2 is still far enough away that it’s almost hard to seem real yet.

While we were shopping, we looked at something that we think is neat, but don’t really need. We were disengaging, and the saleslady pointed out, in response to our point that we have until September, “It goes a lot faster than you think it will.”

As a guy who focuses intensely on time, her comment crystallized something I’d been thinking about. Next Sunday marks 6 months from Doria’s death. Half a year. I have no idea where that time went, and I don’t understand how it took so long to drag out.

It’s cliche, but it seems like it was just yesterday that we were walking over to the hospital to deliver our dead little girl. It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting there filling out that certificate of fetal death, talking to people about funeral homes, and scheduling the funeral home’s pickup of Doria’s body. It seems like it was just yesterday that we were planning Doria’s funeral, and then living it out.

At the same time, it seems like that was a thousand years ago. I was just reading something about ancient Chinese history and ancient European history. Doria’s death and burial seem almost as far away as those places that I haven’t seen.  I remember all of it, but it’s almost impossible to remember that far back. It’s like an odd piece of history. I really don’t know where all that time went. It’s like losing half a year all at once, even though it felt like it took forever.

With that, we’re almost ready to plan like #2 is real. I’ve taken to setting up baby things and taking them down. There really isn’t much else for me to do right now. I don’t throw up and my eating really doesn’t affect the baby. As far as I can tell, what I can do is poke around and get stuff ready. That’s what both of us expected, and that’s where we are.

It’s nice, because it’s simple. It’s messy, because it really reminds me how ready we were for Doria, and how little there really is to do this time except wait. Things are in order. Plans are in order (as much as possible, or as much as bothered). Just have to wait until September.

Everyone’s waited. Everyone knows that waiting takes forever. I so miss Doria. I am so looking forward to #2. I so want this time to be finished so we can be on with it. I love looking forward to this one when it doesn’t scare me to death. With that, to paraphrase the end of Revelation, come quickly, #2. Healthy and alive, too. I’m not picky. Just alive is fine.

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