Remembering Doria

One Father's Journey after the Death of his Daughter

Finding Good Help

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Finding good help is hard, but it’s possible. Turns out that it’s a very good thing.

This week, I knew that I needed help, but it turned out that I needed more than I thought. Thankfully, I’m surrounded by people that want to help. To kick things in motion, it seems that it really required me to ask. That is far from a complaint. It helps people to know how to help when I have something to ask.  That’s good for me to know, and asking for help is good.

In my case, I’m always hesitant to ask. Some of that is a surprising shyness, some a degree of pride, some just getting some bad help from other people, or even well-intentioned help that completely missed the mark.

In the first few days after Doria’s death, I went and devoured the first batch of things I could find. I’m a reader and a research guy. That’s what I do. This was the help that I found for men, boiled down into three key statements: (Note–I am probably copying these from some book, but I can’t remember. They blend together at this point)

1. If you drink, don’t drink to excess as a result of your loss. OK. I don’t drink. I don’t believe that I’m starting now. That was very helpful.

2. If you use drugs, don’t abuse them now due to your loss. Really? That’s what you’ve got. Don’t abuse drugs. I never started that. I won’t start now. Good advice.

3. Don’t cheat on your wife. Really? Really? That’s the big finale? That’s your big kicker. Pardon the judgmental moment here…….”Don’t be the dirtbag that cheats on your wife while she’s down.” That’s the best you can do?

That’s what a lot of the books have for men. Pretty handy stuff. I wasn’t planning on any of those things before Doria died. I don’t think that I want to use Doria’s death as an excuse for any of these things. That’s the help I could first find.

Asking for help this week, none of us have definite answers in figuring out the different aspects of the journey, but I’m surrounded by well-intentioned people who get it, so I know that we’ll figure out whatever needs to be figured out. To say the least, that’s nice. It’s much more reassuring that winging it by myself. It’s not dramatic, and it wouldn’t make a blockbuster of a movie, but it’s clear that things are moving in the right direction. Asking for help is good.

It’s been just over a month now since I started this thing. It’s gotten around to a few thousand views. Probably not a few thousand people, but people have viewed it from 20 or so countries. Hopefully, it can help some people the way it helps me. If nothing else, guys, you’re not alone. You’re not the only one struggling along to live after death. It stinks, but you’re not alone.

In my case, I know that everything moves slower since Doria’s death. My speed will probably come back, but it’ll be different, and that’s all right. It’ll work out, whatever that means 🙂


One thought on “Finding Good Help

  1. It helps me to settle into what comes in the form of help. I have witnessed for the most part, others do not know how to respond…and I have learned not to hold it against them. Before I lost my daughter, I very well would have been out of touch with the pure deep wallow of emotion that comes from such a loss. So, I patiently move on with a different perspective. I have absorbed myself with God’s word and allow that to be my solace and I serve…it is the place I have come to.

    Prayers to you my friend,

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